Workers spend almost four hours per day on average communicating through email, instant messaging, and video or phone calls, according to a 2023 survey from Zoom. Alison Wood Brooks, author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, wants to help them have better conversations across all of these channels, in-person or online.
“Conversation is the pathway that we as humans use to pursue all of the things that we want to achieve,” explains Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School. “As a manager, as a leader, as a group, as a department, as an organization, whatever goals you have, you are going to have to talk to people to achieve them.”
We reached out to Brooks to learn more about research-backed tactics to help workers and leaders communicate more effectively. Here are excerpts from our conversation, edited for length and clarity:
To help people approach conversations more intentionally, you lay out the four ‘TALK’ maxims. What are those?
‘T’ is for topics. So we have to choose good topics, but we also need to manage them well. Even if you start with a bad topic, good conversationalists can make any topic good if you learn how to pick up on your own cues and other people’s cues of interest and excitement and choosing and steering topics to get there.
‘A’ is for asking, so asking more questions and better questions. I start with the very simple advice to not leave a conversation having asked zero questions. It sounds ridiculous, but there are so many conversations where people walk away having asked nothing. Based on some cutting-edge research, some superhero question types emerge, like follow-up questions and open-ended questions, especially open-ended questions that start with the word, ‘what.’ For example, ‘What did you have for breakfast?’ instead of, ‘Why didn’t you eat fruit this morning?’ which feels very accusatory. And then there are some bad patterns of question asking that we should avoid. For example, if you’ve asked your partner a question, and they’ve disclosed almost anything to you, it’s important to follow up with them about it before you bring it right back to yourself. They call that boomer-asking, like a boomerang.
‘L’ is for levity. Most people tend to think of levity, especially in the workplace, as an afterthought or as this extra bonus that maybe sometimes happens. What we find is that humor and warmth and levity are a core determinant of how we view the status hierarchy among human beings. That one successful joke from that one guy in the meeting means we’re all going to like him better and probably want him to be the leader of that group. You don’t need to be funny to find levity. It’s about grabbing people’s engagement, making them feel accepted and safe and pulled in and engaged.
‘K’ is for kindness. In the book, we talk about what kindness looks like in people’s behavior, especially in conversation. We talk about respectful language and receptiveness to opposing viewpoints. It’s important to acknowledge and affirm what’s said, validate their feelings, be able to show them that you hear them and you care about them, even if you’re going to go on to disagree with them vehemently.
Finally, the glue that holds all of these things together is listening. A huge part of kindness is in listening, not just showing it with your nonverbal cues, but saying it out loud that you heard somebody by repeating what they’ve said, by asking follow-up questions, by calling back to things they said earlier, by paraphrasing. If you’re in a work meeting, you could say, ‘It sounds like we’re saying that sometimes we think this, but also there’s this nuance that’s making it hard to do that. Am I hearing that right?’
What about first-time managers or leaders who feel like these things don’t come naturally to them? How can they practice flexing these muscles?
If you feel like you’re not good at conversation and you are awkward, first of all, you’re not alone. Again, this is a very complicated coordination game, and even the best communicators have tons of moments of awkwardness where things don’t go perfectly. Accepting the messiness is a good first step, particularly if you’re a manager or leader, particularly in group conversations.
As for concrete ways to be more charismatic, it all starts with listening. We often have these latent beliefs that people who are charismatic say funny things or tell good stories or have good ideas. But when you look at transcripts of conversations of people that get highly rated in terms of likability, competence, or charisma, they’re often working very hard to listen to the people around them. They’re asking questions to make sure that they understand or that they’re really learning what’s in other people’s minds. Then they’re using those verbal cues of good listening. They’re calling back to stuff that happened earlier. They’re reminiscing together like, ‘Remember last month when you told me about your daughter doing that funny thing.’ That makes people feel amazing, and that’s what people are going to see as charismatic: You listen to them, you care about what they said, and you’re smart enough to think about it and bring it up again.
It all goes back to these moments of levity to keep people engaged and then kindness to show that you actually want to know what’s in people’s minds.
Order Talk on Amazon or Bookshop.
Read a full transcript of our conversation with Brooks.
Read our earlier briefing on Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg, which covers how to have better work conversations and meetings.